The Astrological Interview

HR Manager: "Welcome Mr. ABC. We were expecting you in the morning. Were you held up with something important?"

Candidate: "No, I was not held up anywhere. But the interview time you had fixed earlier was inauspicious. So, I postponed it by three hours.”

HR Manager: "I see.  We were not aware of that. Anyway, we are not superstitious about these as we are rationalists. Let us begin. We will introduce ourself first. He is the CFO, he is the CTO, he is the Chief Project Manager and I am the HR manager. Can you tell us something about yourself?"

Candidate: "Well, as you can see in my resume I am a Taurus sign person, born on the auspicious day of 25th April 1980, and the number of letters in my name comes to perfect ten, which is considered extremely lucky for the company hiring me. Besides, I also noticed that the company is facing north, which is very inauspicious considering the evil influence of mars aligning with Neptune. However, with my selection you will be able to ward off the evil  …."

Interviewer-1: "Hold on please, we need to clarify something first as your application is very intriguing. You are not even twenty-four years old, hold a degree in only astrology and have no business management experience. But you have applied for a position encompassing several very senior & different corporate positions all at once.  Can you please explain? We are very puzzled as we never seen a candidate like you before."

Candidate: "That is very simple and elementary.  Age and experience does not matter when you know astrology. Never has been, never will be."

Interviewer-2: "Interesting, but we do not understand. I am the Chief Project Manager here with about 20 plus years of experience in managing hundreds of complex projects and very difficult customers around the world. Can you tell me how you will handle any project if you were given a project manager role at your age?

Candidate: Simple. Project or people management is not a problem at all when you know astrology.  I will have to first ascertain the star signs of all the people reporting into me. That is very important for ensuring teamwork. Secondly, I will weed out the ones with the same star as mine, because we will not be able to work together, nor will teamwork work in such cases. Through my astrological calculations I will know which projects will succeed, which business plans will fail, which strategies will not work, which will bomb, what is the star sign of the project manager who is destined to make the project successful, who will be contaminating the project with bad luck and so on. Next, to ensure project success, I will only take up projects that begin with the letter S, R or K as that will be suitable for my star sign. Through palm, face and mind reading I will be able to guess what the customer wants, and more importantly what he is destined to receive in spite of what he is willing to pay or demand. In addition, I will also be able to predict when exactly any of my team members will resign, fall sick, get hurt, poached by the competition so that it will prevent me from churning out futile leave plans, or succession plans. I will also be able to predict the outcomes of any project meeting in advance, the auspicious time to hold project meetings and signing of contracts, or when exactly a project will get canned by someone, and so on."

Interviewer-3: "Very interesting, Mr. ABC. I am the Chief Financial Officer here. Can you tell me how you will handle a financial role?"

Candidate: It is even simpler. Through my astrological abilities, I will always be able to predict whether the company will make money, or go bankrupt. I can predict the movement of the goddess of wealth, which stocks to buy, or when to dump our stocks based on planetary positions, and which projects to finance and so on. Currently, I predict this company will suffer some minor financial losses due to the wicked influence of Saturn in the third position…"

Interviewer-4: "Let us stick to your interview, okay? I am the Chief Risk Officer here. I am responsible for complete management and prevention of all business risks. What can you do to fit my type of role?"

Candidate: "Are you kidding? We astrologers are experts in predicting disasters and risks years and decades in advance. We can even predict disasters for an entire continent. So risk prediction and avoidance for companies or individuals is a piece of cake. I can also predict when equipments will fail, who will sue the company, whether any competitor has evil designs for a hostile takeover, business ups and downs, etc. I can also conduct special prayers and incantations to ward off all evil influences that may affect your company from inside or outside, thereby avoiding spending any money to implement expensive disaster recovery centres or hire expensive lawyers. In fact, looking at the lines on your forehead, I predict that you will experience a serious financial and health problems within six months from now..."

Interviewer-1: "We need to conclude this interview fast. I am the Chief Marketing & Business Development Manager. Can you please enlighten me on how you will handle this role?"

Candidate: "Even that is possible. I can assist in casting a hypnotic spell on all your customers to keep giving us business irrespective of whether they need your product or not. My spell will also ensure that all your customer satisfaction ratings will always be 100%. If you take me on all your business development trips, I can do the same for all potential customers to become our real customers.“

Interviewers: "Mr. ABC, thank you for your time. It was very interesting talking to you. However we still need to interview other candidates. But we will definitely get back to you after consulting our CEO. We will let you know your results as soon as possible." 

Candidate: "Thank you. I will be joining on the 5th of next month, as I have already predicted what your CEO will tell you all. But, I will be missing all of you soon."

Article Author - Thejendra B.S

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